I really thought it was a boy- probably because I really wanted a boy. But it wasn't, there they were, girl parts.
I cried, tears poured down my face as I saw this little forming body in front of my very eyes, wiggling toes, hands covering a face I now adore, legs kicking like mad. I was in love, relieved at her heath, blessed by her life, and a little sad she wasn't a boy.
And really, it is silly, because I always wanted a daughter, too, and daughters are girls- I just didn't want her first.
Every dream I ever had about a family had a son first, because that is what I know. It is familiar, comfortable, and so special to have a big brother. As I lay there on that chair thing I completely let go of my childhood dreams and embraced a new one, a big sister-hmm. I don't even know what that looks like, how am I supposed to teach my daughter to be the best big sister in the world?
As silly as it is, it never occurred to me that I MAY have a daughter first, and I did. And I am so blessed, so lucky, so grateful that I GOT to have a daughter, and will praise God if I get 10 more, or all boys after. God is good, he knew just what we needed and always does.
And it's okay with me that Brooke doesn't have a big brother, she has big boy cousins who love her very much, and watching big Hunter-man cradling her today, kissing her gently, whispering into her ear, and loving her so very much, reminding her "how cuuuute" she is, I know she will get the protection, comfort, encouragement, and love that I got from my big brothers. It'll just have come from cousins, and they're really good at it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A little more on the cloth dipes- if you care.
It still reins true that people ask me weekly about cloth diapers, and I am SO passionate about using them. It doesn't really bother me when people don't use them, after all, that is the way of our nation, and they can seem quite intimidating. When you're a cloth diapering momma, you sort of joint a club, a secret society if you will. You will understand terms such as CD, prefold, pocket, AIO, 3.0, inserts, liners, rice paper, wick, and pull. However, chances are high you'll have no clue how to use a diaper Genie.
I love cloth diapering for so many reasons, really.
First of all, after much research, I have learned that indeed disposable diapers take around 200 years to decompose, some sources say as long as 500 years. This is so very sad to me, why do we try to cut waste in other ways (recycling, reusing, repurposing, etc.), but not with diapering? And the thing is, it is so easy if you really give it a go. Also, if we are completely honest with ourselves, it does contaminate ground water, and that is going to increase the need for water treatment facilities and chemicals added to our drinking water. I can bathe in chlorinated water, but should we really be drinking it?
I also cannot lie, it is so nice to never leave a stinky diaper at a friend's house. It may seem like no big deal, but I have always felt sensitive to this. When I would visit a friend without kids and have Brooke in disposables (because we USED to use them when we went out for ease) I felt horrible leaving a diaper in their trash. I feel like we simply overlook the fact that not every family empties the trash every other day, not everyone has diapers in their garbage. We aimed to put the diapers in the main garbage in the garage when we visited people. (Luckily, breastmilk poop doesn't really stink!) But when you have poopy diapers in the trash- OOOEE! (We take the trash out once a week because we really don't generate that much garbage, more recycling than anything.) With cloth, you HAVE to take the diaper with you (in a wet bag if you care to know) and just deal with it at home. I have no diaper guilt anymore, and man does it feel GOOD!
Also with cloth, I have to come back to the financial side of it. Surely some diapers are $23 a piece- yes, a piece. BUT, you don't have to choose to go that route, you can even purchase used, which are just as good! I have never purchased a diaper for that much though, the most expensive to date was $12.50 because of shipping. According to a diaper calculator, I would spend close to $90 a month on diapers (yes, store brands are cheaper, however, I do not use diapers with chlorine or pellets in them, our family chooses to use chemical free diapers). Clearly, I have to do laundry any way, and I do one load of diapers (and towels if you care*I'll explain this more later) every other day. I broke even on diapers when Brooklyn was 3.5 months old, and I never have to buy another diaper again, but I did, because my cousin found a WICKED sale. (I can't wait to try them Kristen... if you're reading this!)
Cloth diapering forces you to step away from many chemicals and products that simply are not good for you. There has been quite the controversy lately about parabens, petroleum products, and "fragrance" in soaps, shampoos, lotions, diaper rash creams, etc. The benefit to using cloth is really, you CAN'T use these products. I have Triple Paste (from my awesome sister in law and we will use this with disposables if her rash is TOC) and we have Desitin that we used twice when she had a little rash again, in disposables. Because see, if you use these products on cloth diapers, they basically form a barrier to the diaper not allowing it to absorb urine anymore, and that my friends, is a problem. So, you have to stick to more natural creams, such as California Baby, or Grandma El's (seriously... even if you don't care about nature, get THIS stuff, I had diaper rash gone in under 24 hours using this product, it is like a Vaseline, smells DIVINE and can be used for about 101 other things! I also read about Bum Bum Balm... and I hope Jon will get it for a stocking stuffer or something, it's not like Brooke really will remember that her first Christmas was filled with booty pastes, diapers, and clothes anyhow! :) If you want to read more, check out this site: http://safemama.com/?s=diaper+rash LOVE it!
Again on the chemical route of thing, cloth diapers cannot be washed in traditional soaps (they cause buildup on the diapers much like rash creams), so we choose to use Rockin Green detergent and LOVE the stuff. The only setback with these detergents that are safer on cloth, if you get a stain on your clothes (because YES, you HAVE to use whatever soap you choose on EVERYTHING, or it will gunk up your machine and defeat the purpose of NOT using traditional soaps) you have to use a stain stick, stain spray, or... wait for it... the SUN! Jon and I can often be found setting clothes and laying them in the sun to get out stains, it seriously will bleach out just about anything, and we LOVE this! But... on rainy days like today... Spray 'n Wash better cut it... or I'll have a poo stained changing pad, booo.
So yes, I love cloth diapers, and it's okay if you don't. It really doesn't bother me, really. (And no, I don't say in my head- "If YOU want YOUR kids POO to be in a landfill for 500 years, whatev, that's YOUR thing.") It really doesn't bother me, because we have decided this works for US.
But anyway, don't be offended. When it comes to changing and washing diapers, this is what I do (and if you do cloth diapers, just trust me on this, I tried to only wash them... and they kinda stunk to me a little):
1. Remove diaper from baby, if it is a prefold, simply drop into your dry pail (I totally don't do a wet pail, they're pretty gross, and not so safe, or good for diapers really) and set aside your cover, unless it got majorly pooed on. (If just a little poop got on the gusset or something, I wipe it and re-use... usually using 2 covers a day.) If it is a pocket, remove the insert by shaking, or just pull it out for the love, you're going to use a wipe on your sweeties tush anyhow. Then, place diaper and insert in pail, put lid on if you use disposable wipes.
2. If you choose to use cloth wipes, we bought one package and use them, when we run out before another wash, I use disposables, wet the wipe with just plain old water and clean little tushie. We have a spray bottle, or you could go to the sink, but don't leave your kid on the changing table... unless you use your crib like we do! :) Then, just throw the wipe in the pail and cover- seriously, I've left the lid off so it is okay if you forget to put it on, and with just breastfeeding, it doesn't smell at all (until you go to dump it... then day old diapers are a little rank). We have a small garbage to put wipes in if we use disposable ones.
3. Get new diaper, put it on. If it is a pocket, this is super easy like a disposable, if you use prefolds, give yourself a good 2 weeks to get the folding down, it is so easy now. Then, put the cover over if you are using prefolds, make sure the WHOLE diaper is in the cover, or you will have a leak, just saying.
4. Repeat process when necessary.
To wash?:
1. Just after a diaper change I remove the liner from my pail, pull the strings to all diapers are secured inside and trek to the laundry like Santa Claus on Christmas.
2. Dump entire contents of bag into washer, including bag turned inside out, you will get so good you won't even touch a diaper! (You'll just smell the amonia) Run a "quick rinse" cycle, on my machine this takes less than 17 minutes and I use "Tap Cold" for temperature, this helps my diapers not get stained.
3. Since this cycle basically rinsed all the poo off of the diapers, I seriously add towels, rugs, jeans, sweats, whatever to the washer so it is full since I'm going to be using hot. (And YA- I can wash my jeans in HOT since they are a little big- holla!) I add 2 scoops of Rockin Green HARD rock (Rocking Raspberry if you care to know my scent this time around, and let the hot cycle go, I use a 40 minute long cycle, it is called "Light wash" on my machine.
4. Put everything in the dryer and dry on medium or low- WITHOUT fabric softener. Again, fabric softener will cause your diapers to repel the pee! (Or peeps like my Nana would say.) If you NEED something for your clothes, I have read about a few friendly liquid softeners you can add to the wash, Ecover is the name of one, found it at Earthly Goods. Vinegar is also said to work, and the smell neutralizes within minutes.
4*. Or, remove covers and pail liner to let air dry since there really isn't anything To dry on these other than the outside fabric, but you'll see if you cloth diaper that they don't need to be in the dryer.
4**. OR- sun dry, yes, this will get rid of almost every stain, seriously. Maybe I'll do a before and after some time! :)
5. When everything is dry, make 3 piles, prefolds, pockets, inserts. Spend 5 minutes stuffing your pockets so you just grab them when you need them, and put them in a basket/crate/whateveryouchoosetouse.
Why can't you use good old Tide or fabric softeners in other loads? Well, it truly gets IN your machine, and will wipe off onto your diapers in their cycle. What does this mean for parents who need to use public laundry in an apartment or laundromat? Well, you may need a few more diapers so you can wash maybe 2x a week, I'd suggest washing 2 loads of regular clothes with your soap before you do a diaper load, this way, your other clothes will bear the brunt of detergent with additives and hopefully clean out both washer and dryer before you wash your diapers. (Feel the inside of your machine, it has a film.)
It really is so easy, and I am so in love. And seriously, in cloth, BABY GOT BACK (like her momma).
Also- I use Rockin Green CLASSSIC Rock for my regular clothes, lavender mint scent. These smell VERY strong when you open the bag, but virtually no smell is left (seriously... I can't smell a thing) after they are dry.
The negative here, you can't get those wicked coupon deals on detergent, because you just can't use them! But trust me, it is SO worth it! :) Are you CDing? Let me know how it's going!!
I love cloth diapering for so many reasons, really.
First of all, after much research, I have learned that indeed disposable diapers take around 200 years to decompose, some sources say as long as 500 years. This is so very sad to me, why do we try to cut waste in other ways (recycling, reusing, repurposing, etc.), but not with diapering? And the thing is, it is so easy if you really give it a go. Also, if we are completely honest with ourselves, it does contaminate ground water, and that is going to increase the need for water treatment facilities and chemicals added to our drinking water. I can bathe in chlorinated water, but should we really be drinking it?
I also cannot lie, it is so nice to never leave a stinky diaper at a friend's house. It may seem like no big deal, but I have always felt sensitive to this. When I would visit a friend without kids and have Brooke in disposables (because we USED to use them when we went out for ease) I felt horrible leaving a diaper in their trash. I feel like we simply overlook the fact that not every family empties the trash every other day, not everyone has diapers in their garbage. We aimed to put the diapers in the main garbage in the garage when we visited people. (Luckily, breastmilk poop doesn't really stink!) But when you have poopy diapers in the trash- OOOEE! (We take the trash out once a week because we really don't generate that much garbage, more recycling than anything.) With cloth, you HAVE to take the diaper with you (in a wet bag if you care to know) and just deal with it at home. I have no diaper guilt anymore, and man does it feel GOOD!
Also with cloth, I have to come back to the financial side of it. Surely some diapers are $23 a piece- yes, a piece. BUT, you don't have to choose to go that route, you can even purchase used, which are just as good! I have never purchased a diaper for that much though, the most expensive to date was $12.50 because of shipping. According to a diaper calculator, I would spend close to $90 a month on diapers (yes, store brands are cheaper, however, I do not use diapers with chlorine or pellets in them, our family chooses to use chemical free diapers). Clearly, I have to do laundry any way, and I do one load of diapers (and towels if you care*I'll explain this more later) every other day. I broke even on diapers when Brooklyn was 3.5 months old, and I never have to buy another diaper again, but I did, because my cousin found a WICKED sale. (I can't wait to try them Kristen... if you're reading this!)
Cloth diapering forces you to step away from many chemicals and products that simply are not good for you. There has been quite the controversy lately about parabens, petroleum products, and "fragrance" in soaps, shampoos, lotions, diaper rash creams, etc. The benefit to using cloth is really, you CAN'T use these products. I have Triple Paste (from my awesome sister in law and we will use this with disposables if her rash is TOC) and we have Desitin that we used twice when she had a little rash again, in disposables. Because see, if you use these products on cloth diapers, they basically form a barrier to the diaper not allowing it to absorb urine anymore, and that my friends, is a problem. So, you have to stick to more natural creams, such as California Baby, or Grandma El's (seriously... even if you don't care about nature, get THIS stuff, I had diaper rash gone in under 24 hours using this product, it is like a Vaseline, smells DIVINE and can be used for about 101 other things! I also read about Bum Bum Balm... and I hope Jon will get it for a stocking stuffer or something, it's not like Brooke really will remember that her first Christmas was filled with booty pastes, diapers, and clothes anyhow! :) If you want to read more, check out this site: http://safemama.com/?s=diaper+rash LOVE it!
Again on the chemical route of thing, cloth diapers cannot be washed in traditional soaps (they cause buildup on the diapers much like rash creams), so we choose to use Rockin Green detergent and LOVE the stuff. The only setback with these detergents that are safer on cloth, if you get a stain on your clothes (because YES, you HAVE to use whatever soap you choose on EVERYTHING, or it will gunk up your machine and defeat the purpose of NOT using traditional soaps) you have to use a stain stick, stain spray, or... wait for it... the SUN! Jon and I can often be found setting clothes and laying them in the sun to get out stains, it seriously will bleach out just about anything, and we LOVE this! But... on rainy days like today... Spray 'n Wash better cut it... or I'll have a poo stained changing pad, booo.
So yes, I love cloth diapers, and it's okay if you don't. It really doesn't bother me, really. (And no, I don't say in my head- "If YOU want YOUR kids POO to be in a landfill for 500 years, whatev, that's YOUR thing.") It really doesn't bother me, because we have decided this works for US.
But anyway, don't be offended. When it comes to changing and washing diapers, this is what I do (and if you do cloth diapers, just trust me on this, I tried to only wash them... and they kinda stunk to me a little):
1. Remove diaper from baby, if it is a prefold, simply drop into your dry pail (I totally don't do a wet pail, they're pretty gross, and not so safe, or good for diapers really) and set aside your cover, unless it got majorly pooed on. (If just a little poop got on the gusset or something, I wipe it and re-use... usually using 2 covers a day.) If it is a pocket, remove the insert by shaking, or just pull it out for the love, you're going to use a wipe on your sweeties tush anyhow. Then, place diaper and insert in pail, put lid on if you use disposable wipes.
2. If you choose to use cloth wipes, we bought one package and use them, when we run out before another wash, I use disposables, wet the wipe with just plain old water and clean little tushie. We have a spray bottle, or you could go to the sink, but don't leave your kid on the changing table... unless you use your crib like we do! :) Then, just throw the wipe in the pail and cover- seriously, I've left the lid off so it is okay if you forget to put it on, and with just breastfeeding, it doesn't smell at all (until you go to dump it... then day old diapers are a little rank). We have a small garbage to put wipes in if we use disposable ones.
3. Get new diaper, put it on. If it is a pocket, this is super easy like a disposable, if you use prefolds, give yourself a good 2 weeks to get the folding down, it is so easy now. Then, put the cover over if you are using prefolds, make sure the WHOLE diaper is in the cover, or you will have a leak, just saying.
4. Repeat process when necessary.
To wash?:
1. Just after a diaper change I remove the liner from my pail, pull the strings to all diapers are secured inside and trek to the laundry like Santa Claus on Christmas.
2. Dump entire contents of bag into washer, including bag turned inside out, you will get so good you won't even touch a diaper! (You'll just smell the amonia) Run a "quick rinse" cycle, on my machine this takes less than 17 minutes and I use "Tap Cold" for temperature, this helps my diapers not get stained.
3. Since this cycle basically rinsed all the poo off of the diapers, I seriously add towels, rugs, jeans, sweats, whatever to the washer so it is full since I'm going to be using hot. (And YA- I can wash my jeans in HOT since they are a little big- holla!) I add 2 scoops of Rockin Green HARD rock (Rocking Raspberry if you care to know my scent this time around, and let the hot cycle go, I use a 40 minute long cycle, it is called "Light wash" on my machine.
4. Put everything in the dryer and dry on medium or low- WITHOUT fabric softener. Again, fabric softener will cause your diapers to repel the pee! (Or peeps like my Nana would say.) If you NEED something for your clothes, I have read about a few friendly liquid softeners you can add to the wash, Ecover is the name of one, found it at Earthly Goods. Vinegar is also said to work, and the smell neutralizes within minutes.
4*. Or, remove covers and pail liner to let air dry since there really isn't anything To dry on these other than the outside fabric, but you'll see if you cloth diaper that they don't need to be in the dryer.
4**. OR- sun dry, yes, this will get rid of almost every stain, seriously. Maybe I'll do a before and after some time! :)
5. When everything is dry, make 3 piles, prefolds, pockets, inserts. Spend 5 minutes stuffing your pockets so you just grab them when you need them, and put them in a basket/crate/whateveryouchoosetouse.
Why can't you use good old Tide or fabric softeners in other loads? Well, it truly gets IN your machine, and will wipe off onto your diapers in their cycle. What does this mean for parents who need to use public laundry in an apartment or laundromat? Well, you may need a few more diapers so you can wash maybe 2x a week, I'd suggest washing 2 loads of regular clothes with your soap before you do a diaper load, this way, your other clothes will bear the brunt of detergent with additives and hopefully clean out both washer and dryer before you wash your diapers. (Feel the inside of your machine, it has a film.)
It really is so easy, and I am so in love. And seriously, in cloth, BABY GOT BACK (like her momma).
Also- I use Rockin Green CLASSSIC Rock for my regular clothes, lavender mint scent. These smell VERY strong when you open the bag, but virtually no smell is left (seriously... I can't smell a thing) after they are dry.
The negative here, you can't get those wicked coupon deals on detergent, because you just can't use them! But trust me, it is SO worth it! :) Are you CDing? Let me know how it's going!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Did I really say that? Twice?
Really, I promise if you lived with me, life would be amusing. I have to say that I know some pretty hilarious people, oh my word Suzanne and Ashley can make me pee my pants almost daily. Friend them on facebook (or in real life, if you know you believe in that anymore) because you will love your life.
But anyway. (There are many other wonderfully funny people in my life too, don't worry, I probably think you're funny, if you were worried.)
So.
Today a few things absolutely had me loving my life as I laughed at myself.
Set the scene: Booger 4 month old, dirty mommma. Both in bathroom, infant in bouncy seat, mom in shower. Mom gets out of shower, baby cries. "Sup home girl? How you hanging?" I must have made some face or something, because that child BURST out belly laughing. Umm... seriously? YA. I could not stop laughing... did I just call my daughter HOME GIRL? Yup, I SO did that.
As I lovingly fed aforementioned child (seeing as there is only one in my life....) she caressed my chest with her tiny little fingers. I looked lovingly into her baby blues. Then, it happened.
My daughter gave me...
a titty twister. I'm not lying, and YES, I just said titty (mom :). I'm still kind of in shock about it.
I've also decided to introduce Brooke to a lovey, I don't care if she has a stuffed animal she is obsessed with, or HAS to sleep with... in fact I prefer her NOT to have this, BUT, if it will help her nap or fall asleep better bring it on baby! So, I read to nurse your baby and give them said lovey. We have two, a hippo whom I have named Hannah from Aunt Mel, and Eleanor an elephant from Mommy and Daddy. (Yes, I name her stuffed animals, until she can talk, I get to, done.) Brooke LOVES these things, they are constantly in her mouth or tucked under her arm when I let her have them. Today she was eating Hannah's face and stroking her back so gently, thank God Hannah's mouth is sewn shut because Brooklyn totally dominated that thing in spit up. Shocker of the century I know- kid, if the amount of spitup you shoot out is any indicator of vomiting as a kid we are NOT going to get along, just saying.
Today I totally did something I shouldn't have too. Brooke has been SO stuffy, in an effort to de-stuff I used Great Grandma's nose clearer (almost like vapor rub)... my poor baby SCREAMED. I didn't think it'd burn... but apparently it did. Her eyes turned red, she got a few red spots on her face and she just screamed. I wiped it with a warm washcloth and she was happy- but I felt really bad for about 5 minutes. But... no boogers, ALL day. Seriously.
So, tonight when she got a little boogery and would not go down, I'm not gonna lie, I totally said, "Well if she is going to cry to go down to bed, I'll give her something to cry about." Umm... aren't you supposed to hear your mother in yourself? That was TOTALLY my papa!! So.. we tortured her again with the nose stuff, and no, don't call DCFS, she is FINE! :) And she is sleeping like a champ, with NO boogs. Amen, and amen.
But, here is my family, and I love it so very much.
But anyway. (There are many other wonderfully funny people in my life too, don't worry, I probably think you're funny, if you were worried.)
So.
Today a few things absolutely had me loving my life as I laughed at myself.
Set the scene: Booger 4 month old, dirty mommma. Both in bathroom, infant in bouncy seat, mom in shower. Mom gets out of shower, baby cries. "Sup home girl? How you hanging?" I must have made some face or something, because that child BURST out belly laughing. Umm... seriously? YA. I could not stop laughing... did I just call my daughter HOME GIRL? Yup, I SO did that.
As I lovingly fed aforementioned child (seeing as there is only one in my life....) she caressed my chest with her tiny little fingers. I looked lovingly into her baby blues. Then, it happened.
My daughter gave me...
a titty twister. I'm not lying, and YES, I just said titty (mom :). I'm still kind of in shock about it.
I've also decided to introduce Brooke to a lovey, I don't care if she has a stuffed animal she is obsessed with, or HAS to sleep with... in fact I prefer her NOT to have this, BUT, if it will help her nap or fall asleep better bring it on baby! So, I read to nurse your baby and give them said lovey. We have two, a hippo whom I have named Hannah from Aunt Mel, and Eleanor an elephant from Mommy and Daddy. (Yes, I name her stuffed animals, until she can talk, I get to, done.) Brooke LOVES these things, they are constantly in her mouth or tucked under her arm when I let her have them. Today she was eating Hannah's face and stroking her back so gently, thank God Hannah's mouth is sewn shut because Brooklyn totally dominated that thing in spit up. Shocker of the century I know- kid, if the amount of spitup you shoot out is any indicator of vomiting as a kid we are NOT going to get along, just saying.
Today I totally did something I shouldn't have too. Brooke has been SO stuffy, in an effort to de-stuff I used Great Grandma's nose clearer (almost like vapor rub)... my poor baby SCREAMED. I didn't think it'd burn... but apparently it did. Her eyes turned red, she got a few red spots on her face and she just screamed. I wiped it with a warm washcloth and she was happy- but I felt really bad for about 5 minutes. But... no boogers, ALL day. Seriously.
So, tonight when she got a little boogery and would not go down, I'm not gonna lie, I totally said, "Well if she is going to cry to go down to bed, I'll give her something to cry about." Umm... aren't you supposed to hear your mother in yourself? That was TOTALLY my papa!! So.. we tortured her again with the nose stuff, and no, don't call DCFS, she is FINE! :) And she is sleeping like a champ, with NO boogs. Amen, and amen.
But, here is my family, and I love it so very much.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I never do that.
Do you ever hit print on the computer, then as soon as the printer starts just about jump out of your pants because the house is so quiet? Ya... me either.
What about closing the door by grabbing the side and keeping your hand in the was of it making noise when it closes just to slam your fingers? I do this at least 5 times a day, UGH.
Ever picked your kids boogers for at least 20 minutes because they are just SO STICKY you can't get 'em all? No, I don't do that either, because that is disgusting.
Every time you hear a car door, do you peek to see if it's for you? I TOTALLY do.
You know what sucks about being a parent, you totally get things figured out... then your child decides to change. Brooke has never been a fussy baby- then today happened. I can't complain though, she only whined for about 30 minutes and I was a totally terrible mom and let her fuss, I needed to eat, blow dry my hair and I really wanted to make a cup of coffee (and not have to microwave it). So, she lived, and is having a beautifully perfect nap right now. And yes, I still think she's perfect.
My inspiration this week:
"And I will live, to carry Your compassion,
to love a world that's broken,
to be Your hands and feet,
and I will give, with the life that I've been given,
and go beyond religion to see the world be changed,
by the power of Your name."- Lincoln Brewster
What about closing the door by grabbing the side and keeping your hand in the was of it making noise when it closes just to slam your fingers? I do this at least 5 times a day, UGH.
Ever picked your kids boogers for at least 20 minutes because they are just SO STICKY you can't get 'em all? No, I don't do that either, because that is disgusting.
Every time you hear a car door, do you peek to see if it's for you? I TOTALLY do.
You know what sucks about being a parent, you totally get things figured out... then your child decides to change. Brooke has never been a fussy baby- then today happened. I can't complain though, she only whined for about 30 minutes and I was a totally terrible mom and let her fuss, I needed to eat, blow dry my hair and I really wanted to make a cup of coffee (and not have to microwave it). So, she lived, and is having a beautifully perfect nap right now. And yes, I still think she's perfect.
My inspiration this week:
"And I will live, to carry Your compassion,
to love a world that's broken,
to be Your hands and feet,
and I will give, with the life that I've been given,
and go beyond religion to see the world be changed,
by the power of Your name."- Lincoln Brewster
Monday, October 18, 2010
Help.
Some days, you just have to ask for help. Really.
Tonight, I was exhausted. We are doing everything pediatricians and books suggest for nighttime sleep, but Brooke is struggling this week, and a few past weeks (with WONDERFUL reprieves!) with going to bed. She naps like a champ, seriously, I lay the kid down after 1.5 hours of wakefulness and she is OUT. I had to wake her up this morning at 8 (she was super tired). She napps 9:45 to 11:30 when I woke her up. Fell asleep at 12:40, slept until 3:40, down at 5:40 up at 6:30 and was SO tired by 7 that we bathed her read, stores, and started putting her down, but it was too late. She was past exhausted, suggestions? Some books suggest that I put her down then right at 7... but I feel like when we have done that, she isn't tired enough. Maybe she is in a growth spurt again, it is possible!
Any way, I laid with her to help her sleep. She still sounds like a little puglet- yes, like a little baby pug. I read about babies crying in their sleep, since this is what B seems to be doing. There are 2 options, teething or nightmare of Mommy leaving her- little girl! :( So, I just snuggle her super tight. We spent a lot of today in bed since I can tell she isn't feeling well, lots of snuggles and lots of warmth, LOVE it!
I was getting tired of laying next to a baby who was fussing, I had bounced her, walked with her, moby-d her, sang to her, everything that always works and daddy was doing what daddies do. And so, I just called to him, "Babe, I just need you to encourage me, I'm getting tired, and frustrated," He snuggled up with us girls, held Blyn's hand, and she was quiet and still.
I think it is so important to just say- help. I need you, I NEED for you to do this. My wonderful husband excels in helping, when I tell him what I need help with. I don't have the time to resent him or get upset often, because I have learned to just ask. I can't ask him if he'd like to get the laundry, I need to tell him that I need him to get it for me, please. Ahhh, communication.
I know a lot of people struggle with doing this, it is so hard to admit that we are weak. I feel like a lot of moms get caught up in not asking for help, so jump on the train. Ask daddy to cook dinner, ask him to hold the baby so you can shower, with the door shut (or else you'll end up like me, with a half shaved leg, yes, only one, and yes, only HALF done... meaning half way around my calf, not even meaning top or bottom done... just a patch on the front. Sexy.). even if it is just asking for a hug, asking for a phone conversation, all kinds of stuff. It isn't weak, it is strong.
Now... I asked Jon to clean the panini grill tonight... maybe I should ask him again because it is still sitting on the island, and I'm NOT cleaning that thing.
PS- felt like an official mom today, GIANT booger smeared and dried on my hand and I didn't even notice. "What... is... that...?" disgusted voiced husband. "Awww, it's a BOOGER!!" big smile me.
Tonight, I was exhausted. We are doing everything pediatricians and books suggest for nighttime sleep, but Brooke is struggling this week, and a few past weeks (with WONDERFUL reprieves!) with going to bed. She naps like a champ, seriously, I lay the kid down after 1.5 hours of wakefulness and she is OUT. I had to wake her up this morning at 8 (she was super tired). She napps 9:45 to 11:30 when I woke her up. Fell asleep at 12:40, slept until 3:40, down at 5:40 up at 6:30 and was SO tired by 7 that we bathed her read, stores, and started putting her down, but it was too late. She was past exhausted, suggestions? Some books suggest that I put her down then right at 7... but I feel like when we have done that, she isn't tired enough. Maybe she is in a growth spurt again, it is possible!
Any way, I laid with her to help her sleep. She still sounds like a little puglet- yes, like a little baby pug. I read about babies crying in their sleep, since this is what B seems to be doing. There are 2 options, teething or nightmare of Mommy leaving her- little girl! :( So, I just snuggle her super tight. We spent a lot of today in bed since I can tell she isn't feeling well, lots of snuggles and lots of warmth, LOVE it!
I was getting tired of laying next to a baby who was fussing, I had bounced her, walked with her, moby-d her, sang to her, everything that always works and daddy was doing what daddies do. And so, I just called to him, "Babe, I just need you to encourage me, I'm getting tired, and frustrated," He snuggled up with us girls, held Blyn's hand, and she was quiet and still.
I think it is so important to just say- help. I need you, I NEED for you to do this. My wonderful husband excels in helping, when I tell him what I need help with. I don't have the time to resent him or get upset often, because I have learned to just ask. I can't ask him if he'd like to get the laundry, I need to tell him that I need him to get it for me, please. Ahhh, communication.
I know a lot of people struggle with doing this, it is so hard to admit that we are weak. I feel like a lot of moms get caught up in not asking for help, so jump on the train. Ask daddy to cook dinner, ask him to hold the baby so you can shower, with the door shut (or else you'll end up like me, with a half shaved leg, yes, only one, and yes, only HALF done... meaning half way around my calf, not even meaning top or bottom done... just a patch on the front. Sexy.). even if it is just asking for a hug, asking for a phone conversation, all kinds of stuff. It isn't weak, it is strong.
Now... I asked Jon to clean the panini grill tonight... maybe I should ask him again because it is still sitting on the island, and I'm NOT cleaning that thing.
PS- felt like an official mom today, GIANT booger smeared and dried on my hand and I didn't even notice. "What... is... that...?" disgusted voiced husband. "Awww, it's a BOOGER!!" big smile me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Worst Mom Of the Day
I think that I might get worst new mom of the day yesterday.
But only yesterday. (Are you crazy, I'd never be worst mom of the year!)
Anyone else want to claim today, because I ROCKED today.
I should have known that yesterday was going to be a bad day, I didn't do my hair. (AHHHHHHHHHHH- too much work and baking to do- both equally perfect excuses to not shower until 3:30)
Ok, so why do I get worst mom award? Well.... I gave my baby an itty bitty bloody nose, stupid booger sucker. I must have scratched her way up in her nose, I still feel bad. I should just throw the stupid thing away, I feel like the worst mom ever. But the poor girl sounded "like a pug" as my sister in law described her own daughter.
Well, yesterday I felt bad. Today, I totally rocked.
I read to my girl, A LOT, I didn't let myself get frustrated one bit today, even when she fussed for 45 minutes, so sad at bed time because shock- she was over tired. Overtired? After a day with family pictures, church, dedication, and party, it was a full day. I should have just kept her asleep from her 445 nap, but we are learning!
What really surprises me, and is the same for my friend is that my little girl will wake up with a hilarious "wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" deep, quiet- I put a paci in her mouth and her head literally slams into the bed, she just passes out immediately. Her best friend does the same, although she slams her hear into the crib and still does not wake up! These girls and their pacis!! :)
Today, Jon and I were able to dedicate Brooklyn- and there is so much to say about that, but I am tired tonight.
But only yesterday. (Are you crazy, I'd never be worst mom of the year!)
Anyone else want to claim today, because I ROCKED today.
I should have known that yesterday was going to be a bad day, I didn't do my hair. (AHHHHHHHHHHH- too much work and baking to do- both equally perfect excuses to not shower until 3:30)
Ok, so why do I get worst mom award? Well.... I gave my baby an itty bitty bloody nose, stupid booger sucker. I must have scratched her way up in her nose, I still feel bad. I should just throw the stupid thing away, I feel like the worst mom ever. But the poor girl sounded "like a pug" as my sister in law described her own daughter.
Well, yesterday I felt bad. Today, I totally rocked.
I read to my girl, A LOT, I didn't let myself get frustrated one bit today, even when she fussed for 45 minutes, so sad at bed time because shock- she was over tired. Overtired? After a day with family pictures, church, dedication, and party, it was a full day. I should have just kept her asleep from her 445 nap, but we are learning!
What really surprises me, and is the same for my friend is that my little girl will wake up with a hilarious "wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" deep, quiet- I put a paci in her mouth and her head literally slams into the bed, she just passes out immediately. Her best friend does the same, although she slams her hear into the crib and still does not wake up! These girls and their pacis!! :)
Today, Jon and I were able to dedicate Brooklyn- and there is so much to say about that, but I am tired tonight.
Friday, October 15, 2010
No ponytails.
I'm going to be THAT mom, sorry, I just am.
I'm going to be that mom who doesn't wear pony tails, so I cut my hair. (for now)
I'm going to be that mom who wears make-up, almost every day. (for now)
It's like when I was in high school if I wore pjs to school, I felt sloppy, my work suffered, I didn't pay attention, I was off.
For me, it is the same as being a mom. Days I stay in my pjs, I feel more tired, less playful, less motivated, less of the mom I want to be. Days without make-up and hair, who am I kidding, why did I even get out of bed?
SO- I'm going to get up, do my hair (no pony tails!) wear some make-up and feel great. Because that really helps me be the best woman, person and most of all mom every day.
What about you? What makes you the best mom?
Some days, it really just is a cup of coffee (while on the phone with your best friend?). I say promise it to yourself, what are you going to do every day this winter to be the best you?
I'm going to be that mom who doesn't wear pony tails, so I cut my hair. (for now)
I'm going to be that mom who wears make-up, almost every day. (for now)
It's like when I was in high school if I wore pjs to school, I felt sloppy, my work suffered, I didn't pay attention, I was off.
For me, it is the same as being a mom. Days I stay in my pjs, I feel more tired, less playful, less motivated, less of the mom I want to be. Days without make-up and hair, who am I kidding, why did I even get out of bed?
SO- I'm going to get up, do my hair (no pony tails!) wear some make-up and feel great. Because that really helps me be the best woman, person and most of all mom every day.
What about you? What makes you the best mom?
Some days, it really just is a cup of coffee (while on the phone with your best friend?). I say promise it to yourself, what are you going to do every day this winter to be the best you?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I wonder...
I wonder if...
Brooke will be afraid of heights since daddy and I are so short?
Haylee will be less afraid of heights since her parents are taller?
Brooke will have blonde hair?
Harley will continue to be so cool with Brooklyn pulling her ears and all, poor dog just licks her face when she crushes her, good girl!
My dirty paci efforts have paid off, will Brooklyn's immune system be strong?
Brooke will take after me? Daddy and I spoke today about how we hope she will be girly, but still be able to hang with the guys. Paint her nails, wear hair bows, but throw a ball better than the guys. Come on girl!
Brooke will be a big sister?
Brooke will have a giant gap between her teeth like I did?
Brooke will still be afraid of the dark when she gets bigger, I hope she doesn't take after me in that!
I just really was wondering about the height thing tonight... more than I should have.
Brooke will be afraid of heights since daddy and I are so short?
Haylee will be less afraid of heights since her parents are taller?
Brooke will have blonde hair?
Harley will continue to be so cool with Brooklyn pulling her ears and all, poor dog just licks her face when she crushes her, good girl!
My dirty paci efforts have paid off, will Brooklyn's immune system be strong?
Brooke will take after me? Daddy and I spoke today about how we hope she will be girly, but still be able to hang with the guys. Paint her nails, wear hair bows, but throw a ball better than the guys. Come on girl!
Brooke will be a big sister?
Brooke will have a giant gap between her teeth like I did?
Brooke will still be afraid of the dark when she gets bigger, I hope she doesn't take after me in that!
I just really was wondering about the height thing tonight... more than I should have.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It's just me.
My daughter is crying in the background, snuggled with her daddy, the most pathetic little, "ehhhh, wahhhhh, eghhhhhhhhhhh," In adult, that means, "I am so tired I am restless!" In baby, it means, "I wanted to be awake and put on a cute face and now I just want my MOM!"
Ever feel like that happens at your house? You're the ONLY one who can satisfy your child? What a blessed curse. I don't feel the curse part yet, per se. But there certainly are evenings when I just wish my husband could calm her like I do, or snuggle her in the way that makes her fall limp asleep. But when she goes down for 3+ naps a day with my help... it is hard to train daddy to do it just like me, and he shouldn't. We both just need to have the patience to let him learn. Yes, WE.But really, it is okay.
I feel honored to be called to be Brooklyn's mom. Whether I am called at 1 am, 5:45 am or even 8:30 pm, 9:00 pm, 9:30 pm, 9:32, 9:42, 10:00pm. It is all such a blessing, and I promise to view my mothering in such a way.
This weekend we are dedicating our daughter, proclaiming that we will raise her in a Christian home, we will share the gospel with her and the love of Jesus, we will pray for her and bring her up to the best of our ability along with our church. It's a big deal, and so important to us. We are still deciding on the "life verse until she picks her own" and that is totally okay with me.
I love being a mommy, I love watching friends become mommies, and I cannot WAIT for all of that!
Ever feel like that happens at your house? You're the ONLY one who can satisfy your child? What a blessed curse. I don't feel the curse part yet, per se. But there certainly are evenings when I just wish my husband could calm her like I do, or snuggle her in the way that makes her fall limp asleep. But when she goes down for 3+ naps a day with my help... it is hard to train daddy to do it just like me, and he shouldn't. We both just need to have the patience to let him learn. Yes, WE.But really, it is okay.
I feel honored to be called to be Brooklyn's mom. Whether I am called at 1 am, 5:45 am or even 8:30 pm, 9:00 pm, 9:30 pm, 9:32, 9:42, 10:00pm. It is all such a blessing, and I promise to view my mothering in such a way.
This weekend we are dedicating our daughter, proclaiming that we will raise her in a Christian home, we will share the gospel with her and the love of Jesus, we will pray for her and bring her up to the best of our ability along with our church. It's a big deal, and so important to us. We are still deciding on the "life verse until she picks her own" and that is totally okay with me.
I love being a mommy, I love watching friends become mommies, and I cannot WAIT for all of that!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Starting this new parenting book...
So, I'm in this Moms group, and I love moms, and I love what we're learning about.
(I love non moms too, just a p.s.)
As I was reading from "Grace Based Parenting" by Tim Kimmel, a book I have not yet paid for, but WILL THIS WEEK- remember self! I came across a few interesting quotes that I want to hold on to, and this is quite an easy place to do just that.
As I'm thinking back to the conversations Jonathan and I had about starting a family I can remember something like this:
"So, you wanna make a kid?"
"YUP."
conversation OVER.
or perhaps...
"So, when we're parents, what do you think about discipline? Spanking, time-outs?"
"Remember when my mom quoted that scripture, 'Spare the rod, spoil the child,'?"
"Yup, I think in some circumstances, before our babes know what NO means, we're going to have to teach it somehow, I'm totally okay with spanking, in the right circumstance."
"Yup, me too, good call."
*And no, please don't try to debate spanking with me. We will use time-outs and all of those lovely parenting things too, geez louise.
or even...
"I hope we make cute kids."
"We will."
"No, I mean it, like I really hope our kids are super cute."
"They will be."
"Okay, I guess they'll be pretty cute, we were cute babies."
"Uh huh."
"Are you listening to me?"
"Uh huh."
"What do you want to name our kids?"
"Oh, I dunno, Noah, Brock, Harper or Brooke."
"Okay, I like those."
"What about Natalie?"
"Sure, that's cute."
"Well when are we gonna have kids?"
"When God gives them to us."
"You know, it isn't going to be easy. Have you ever held a baby?"
"Nope."
Ahh... the joys of being naive. Really, we knew a few things:
1- diaper changing isn't that bad
2- we're going to have to have a plan, sort of
3- we WILL get sleep
4- we will try to be natural parents
5- we will let our kids eat dirt.
6- we will delay vaccinations
7- we will kill out kids with kisses
8- we will still make time for each other
9- we will love our kids silly
10- we have no idea what is in store, except for that one weekend we watched Lexie, Hunter, and Callie, and THAT was FUN!!!
So, it may not come as a shock to anyone that we had no ideas of how we were going to sleep train our kids (until 8 months pregnant) or how we planned to parent in general. Basically, our plan was to love our kids like crazy, let them explore within certain bounds, let them learn from their mistakes and know that it is okay and we love them for who they are, not what they do, and to make sure that they learn the love of Jesus.
Well, in steps this book, and a few things that have my wheels turning.
"Since how children turn out is far more contingent on what is going on inside them
than outside them, unnecessarily tight boundaries undermine the desire of the Holy Spirit, who is working to build a sense of moral resolve in their hearts." Ah, to not keep our children on leashes, in a box, in a yard, with a 6 ft fence, with barbed wire and broken glass on top...
What about WHO we plan to live with other than family? "God left our families in communities to serve as porch lights, if you will, for the lost people around us. We are to be the steady flow that helps them find their way out of the darkness. When families are committed to being this light, they are inclined to live more intimately with Christ. They pray more, they study their Bibles more, they care for one another more, they reach out to their neighbors more."
It is going to be hard not to be fearful when I put Brookie on the kindergarten school bus to our neighborhood school, or let a teenager babysit her for the first time, or let her go to a sleepover, but "If we have put our faith in Him, we should be the last people afraid of just about anything!
I also find it interesting that many of us like to live by checklists, and I hope that I don't put that on my kids.
- said my prayers
- had a smile on my face all day
- spoke kindly to everyone
- said my prayers as lunch
- wore my WWJD bracelet
I don't want my kids to do this because it is on a list that they have to do, I want them to say their prayers because they KNOW God is listening and because he is their best friend. I want them to be kind and use nice words because they know that Jesus did that, they can wear the bracelet because they have a deep yearning to be like Him. Not because they have to put on a show for their friends or God, he knows it is just a SHOW!
I loved one part: "We start by surrendering our fears to the God who loves us and has a fabulous plan for our family." He LOVES us with such intensity that he doesn't want this to be a fight- he has the best plan for our family, we have to listen to find it.
I hope that we CAN be this home: "Children brought up in homes where they are free to be different, vulnerable, candid, and to make mistakes learn firsthand what the genuine love of God looks like."- I am still dreaming of what this looks like day to day, not just stating, "It's okay Brooke!" 100 times a day, but truly showing her that she is a creation of our God, and so I read "On the Night You were Born" to her every night. :)
(I love non moms too, just a p.s.)
As I was reading from "Grace Based Parenting" by Tim Kimmel, a book I have not yet paid for, but WILL THIS WEEK- remember self! I came across a few interesting quotes that I want to hold on to, and this is quite an easy place to do just that.
As I'm thinking back to the conversations Jonathan and I had about starting a family I can remember something like this:
"So, you wanna make a kid?"
"YUP."
conversation OVER.
or perhaps...
"So, when we're parents, what do you think about discipline? Spanking, time-outs?"
"Remember when my mom quoted that scripture, 'Spare the rod, spoil the child,'?"
"Yup, I think in some circumstances, before our babes know what NO means, we're going to have to teach it somehow, I'm totally okay with spanking, in the right circumstance."
"Yup, me too, good call."
*And no, please don't try to debate spanking with me. We will use time-outs and all of those lovely parenting things too, geez louise.
or even...
"I hope we make cute kids."
"We will."
"No, I mean it, like I really hope our kids are super cute."
"They will be."
"Okay, I guess they'll be pretty cute, we were cute babies."
"Uh huh."
"Are you listening to me?"
"Uh huh."
"What do you want to name our kids?"
"Oh, I dunno, Noah, Brock, Harper or Brooke."
"Okay, I like those."
"What about Natalie?"
"Sure, that's cute."
"Well when are we gonna have kids?"
"When God gives them to us."
"You know, it isn't going to be easy. Have you ever held a baby?"
"Nope."
Ahh... the joys of being naive. Really, we knew a few things:
1- diaper changing isn't that bad
2- we're going to have to have a plan, sort of
3- we WILL get sleep
4- we will try to be natural parents
5- we will let our kids eat dirt.
6- we will delay vaccinations
7- we will kill out kids with kisses
8- we will still make time for each other
9- we will love our kids silly
10- we have no idea what is in store, except for that one weekend we watched Lexie, Hunter, and Callie, and THAT was FUN!!!
So, it may not come as a shock to anyone that we had no ideas of how we were going to sleep train our kids (until 8 months pregnant) or how we planned to parent in general. Basically, our plan was to love our kids like crazy, let them explore within certain bounds, let them learn from their mistakes and know that it is okay and we love them for who they are, not what they do, and to make sure that they learn the love of Jesus.
Well, in steps this book, and a few things that have my wheels turning.
"Since how children turn out is far more contingent on what is going on inside them
than outside them, unnecessarily tight boundaries undermine the desire of the Holy Spirit, who is working to build a sense of moral resolve in their hearts." Ah, to not keep our children on leashes, in a box, in a yard, with a 6 ft fence, with barbed wire and broken glass on top...
What about WHO we plan to live with other than family? "God left our families in communities to serve as porch lights, if you will, for the lost people around us. We are to be the steady flow that helps them find their way out of the darkness. When families are committed to being this light, they are inclined to live more intimately with Christ. They pray more, they study their Bibles more, they care for one another more, they reach out to their neighbors more."
It is going to be hard not to be fearful when I put Brookie on the kindergarten school bus to our neighborhood school, or let a teenager babysit her for the first time, or let her go to a sleepover, but "If we have put our faith in Him, we should be the last people afraid of just about anything!
I also find it interesting that many of us like to live by checklists, and I hope that I don't put that on my kids.
- said my prayers
- had a smile on my face all day
- spoke kindly to everyone
- said my prayers as lunch
- wore my WWJD bracelet
I don't want my kids to do this because it is on a list that they have to do, I want them to say their prayers because they KNOW God is listening and because he is their best friend. I want them to be kind and use nice words because they know that Jesus did that, they can wear the bracelet because they have a deep yearning to be like Him. Not because they have to put on a show for their friends or God, he knows it is just a SHOW!
I loved one part: "We start by surrendering our fears to the God who loves us and has a fabulous plan for our family." He LOVES us with such intensity that he doesn't want this to be a fight- he has the best plan for our family, we have to listen to find it.
I hope that we CAN be this home: "Children brought up in homes where they are free to be different, vulnerable, candid, and to make mistakes learn firsthand what the genuine love of God looks like."- I am still dreaming of what this looks like day to day, not just stating, "It's okay Brooke!" 100 times a day, but truly showing her that she is a creation of our God, and so I read "On the Night You were Born" to her every night. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Believe me I would.
If I could catch every coo and put it in a box, I would, that box is my heart.
If I could gather every giggle and hold it in my hand, I would, that hand is my heart.
If I could stockpile every smile and put it on a shelf, I would, that shelf is my heart.
If I could capture every cry and store it in a suitcase, I would, that suitcase is my heart.
If I could group every gaze and wear it as a necklace, I would, that necklace is my heart.
And if I could keep hold of you forever, I would, for you are my heart, believe me I would.
Outtakes:
If I could heap every hair pull and put it in the closet, I would.
If I could flock every hissy fit and put it at the bottom of the ocean, I would.
If I could get together every gassy night and put it in the clouds, I would.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Nothing.
Right now, my baby is sitting on her daddy's lap, making fists in front of her face and refusing to sleep. (With a ton of droll down her face, Lord I hope she is not getting a tooth.) I am not going to fight her. Think what you might, if you had a week like mine, you may not bother either. She slept in bed with us more than she should have, and napped with me in bed or on the couch more than she should have, too. Well, I guess more than what the books say. But, it is really okay.
But this week, we have had the most awful thing happen to our family, and I have no words.
I am broken. I am a mess. I am tearful. There is a lump in my throat that won't go away. It truly is inexplainable what I feel.
My cousin's sweet baby boy went to be with Jesus so unexpectedly this week. There is no comfort, just loss right now.
This bond that we have shared through our children will always be there, but what words are there to say? None. We were pregnant together. I had the girl, she got the boy. And so perfect they each were, so beautifully perfectly wonderful.
The prayers I pray seem wordless. My head spins as I break for my cousin and her family. The prayers I pray for their healing, peace and God's grace to cover them, fill my day. It is obsessive, the only thing I know I can control. That and baking, I bake when I am upset, so there have been a lot of cookies and brownies in my house since Thursday. Last night I sat in bed with nothing- no words, no tears, blank. Today, I put on the face. I'm not in shock any more, just numb. Numb for them.
Pray a prayer for them if you will.
"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home." -Glory Baby
I wish I could have held you little Hudson, we love you.
But this week, we have had the most awful thing happen to our family, and I have no words.
I am broken. I am a mess. I am tearful. There is a lump in my throat that won't go away. It truly is inexplainable what I feel.
My cousin's sweet baby boy went to be with Jesus so unexpectedly this week. There is no comfort, just loss right now.
This bond that we have shared through our children will always be there, but what words are there to say? None. We were pregnant together. I had the girl, she got the boy. And so perfect they each were, so beautifully perfectly wonderful.
The prayers I pray seem wordless. My head spins as I break for my cousin and her family. The prayers I pray for their healing, peace and God's grace to cover them, fill my day. It is obsessive, the only thing I know I can control. That and baking, I bake when I am upset, so there have been a lot of cookies and brownies in my house since Thursday. Last night I sat in bed with nothing- no words, no tears, blank. Today, I put on the face. I'm not in shock any more, just numb. Numb for them.
Pray a prayer for them if you will.
"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home." -Glory Baby
I wish I could have held you little Hudson, we love you.
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