I'm learning that when I get frustrated with my child, it is not always because I don't know what to do, but more so, because I am a selfish person who would rather not be dealing with a crying baby.
That's not easy to say.
When I became a real mom (we said I was a mom from the moment we knew I was pregnant, okay, that's a lie, we called ourselves parents with our dog, because she is our baby, think what you want, we love her.) my best friend K and I talked about how much we feel like we have given up happily for our girls. Fewer showers, less time on the computer/phone, no shopping trips just for fun, less sleep. And yes, our bodies, although mine is looking quite better (clothed) than before I had Brooklyn. (Unfortunately a c-section gave me a forever flap of belly fat, gross, but hey, I still feel sexy. It's all in the head.) Anyway, yes, moms are probably the most selfless people I know. I recall many times my mom has been selfless, and there are too many to count. It is just what moms (and dads) do for their kids.
But some days I am tired of it, and I am really selfish. I will whisper, "Go to sleep baby," in the most loving tone I can muster. (Yes, I know I'm not the only one here, amen.) All because I want to sit on the computer and NOT work. Or I want to take a long shower, or put on makeup.
I'm not sure that will ever go away, and that is okay, because I promise to give myself grace here. I have committed to still take care of myself- it would be crazy not to. And yes, for me, mascara is a necessity, I feel like a nasty looking weirdo without it, and you can't feel like that and be the best momma you can be. But, I know that Brooke will nap every day, so I need to just relax and let her nap when she is ready (drowsy but not yet asleep, blah blah blah) and not get frustrated because I want her to nap now.
So, there is my confession, I still, and always will be selfish, but I'll work on it, and let you know how that goes.... if I remember.
Ps- Brooke just woke up as I finished typing this, "Of course you'd only take an hour nap," I said it my head, and made sure to hold her extra tight and kiss her when I picked her up, "but I'm happy you are here, and blessed that you are mine."