Tears and One Big Lap.

You know when your heart just breaks because your baby is crying?

I hate when it seems nothing can calm her down, this has only happened a few short times in Brooklyn's life, but when it happens, I feel broken. She may have gas, or a tummy ache, usually I can just hold her legs up, peace. Tonight, she was just tired. Poor girl, her naps were a little off, and that is just okay! She needs to be able to adjust, of this we are 100% committed.

Last night was the second try of "cry it out adapted." Remember when we did this when she was tiny? THAT went well-NOT. Our research told us to try again just after 4 months, we're trying!

She is old enough now that she can learn how to soothe herself, and we are going to give her that opportunity- BUT, if it doesn't work now, that is perfectly fine with us. We love snuggling her, me nursing her, and bouncing her till her heart's content. (Is that saying to your heart's content? hmm....)

We put her down, she slept for an hour, then, she woke up. SHOCKING!!! We went in, soothed her, paci, walked out. She began crying, and we gave her 3 minutes, then returned, soothed, pat on the back, paci, "I love you"s and left. Then 2 minutes passed, silence... but at the 5 minute mark, she was upset, so I returned. We are currently in the 10 minute phase (and it stays 10 minute chunks until she gives up... or we do.) It has been 9 minutes, she has been quite for about 3 of them, I thought she was out. Now she is VERY upset, but she will get this. I promise I'm not torturing my baby either, she still smiles at me in the morning! :)

On to the second 10 minute section, less crying, more moments of sighing, head down. A few screams, "SAVE ME MOMMA!" And at times, we swear she is saying "Mom! Mom!" or "Daaaaaaaaaaada!" Sweet girl.

We're on to the third 10 minute section, last night I went in after the 3rd 10 minute section and that was the last one... we'll see how tonight goes. Fewer fusses, but I'm not holding my breath, and she's not holding hers. (Thank goodness, I used to cry so hard I'd hold my breath and pass out.)

But, it has been quite sweet to share in this adventure with Jon. "It just breaks my heart." "I just hate that, how can she cry like that?" We've both been heard saying tonight.

Even, "Stay to the left, left left!!!" as our hall floors creak, and I just figured out this little lefty trick last week. Stay left... when leaving our bedroom, but please, don't sneak up on me, or I will punch you. I walk around my house with a fist at all times, I'm a paranoid weirdo, sorry. At night, I do the same... my kids better be careful! (I'm SO not joking, I TOTALLY do this, ask Jon, fist up in socking position.)

As my girl cried, I kept busy. When I went into her room I laid my hand on her and prayed a million things, "Lord help her to be a calm, strong, woman of faith. Grow her into a gracious, loving, woman of integrity. May she know you more than I and have a heart that serves." Millions of prayers are prayed over you daily sweet girl, how can a parent not cover their child in prayers? I do not understand. Parenting without God seems such an impossible venture, and it doesn't have to be done.

As I'm sitting here, I guess what is most important is that Jon and I always talked about how we would try different things as we parent. We aren't going to get it right the first time, and we know if we are willing to try things, our children will be too. We aren't going to do everything just right, right away. I think that is part of this Grace Based Parenting stuff I'm learning too, free to try things, and free to mess up, and have love surrounding you all the way.

We don't want to be "cry it out" parents, it is not in our nature. She cries and it breaks our hearts, we are not people who can stand it. We are fixers, we want to fix whatever is wrong. But, if this is what our daughter needs, to help her sleep, to learn to stay asleep, and to be able to sleep on her own as she gets big, then we are willing to suffer a little bit for the sake of our girl. And tonight, as I checked on her after aforementioned third 10 minute section, she was sucking her middle and ring finger, trying to calm herself down, she is learning. What a precious, sweet girl. Soon she'll be learning to crawl, and walk, and I will always hold her hand. She will never be too big for this lap, of that I am sure. I promised my niece one day that she can always sit on my lap, no matter how big she gets. She is 7 now, and occasionally will still sit on my lap. I know Brooklyn will know the same, she will never cry too many tears, or grow too big, or do anything too wrong to not fit on this lap, because this is one big lap, with lots of love.

We also didn't want to have Brooke in our bed before we had her, we were afraid, now, she snuggles us, sometimes sleeps with us, and is often tossed about amongst fluffy pillows and blankets on a Saturday morning, man does she love it!! And we do too.

Because it is so easy to decide what you're going to do, and what you WANT to work. But it may not work, and what we have tried with B, may not work with any other children to come into our lives, and we are completely okay with that. We will do the best that we can, with what we are given, and what we know.